Recently, I re-read one of my all-time favourite books (alongside A Complicated Kindness, To Kill a Mockingbird and The Color Purple), The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I cannot explain to you how beautiful this book is. You have to experience it for yourself. It is like My So-Called Life if Angela were a boy named Charlie and she listened to a lot of The Smiths.
I feel like this book was written for me and about it me. I mean, my name isn’t Charlie (but that is my all-time favourite name for a boy). And I’m not a boy And my life isn’t nearly as tragic as his is. But, Stephen Chbosky writes what I think and what I feel.
Here are a few words of Chbosky wisdom:
We accept the love we think we deserve.
Sometimes I look outside, and I think that a lot of other people have seen this snow before. Just like I think that a lot of other people have read these books before. And listened to those songs. I wonder how they feel tonight.
I walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying. Doing jumps and having races. And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn’t.
I think it was the first time in my life I ever felt like I looked “good”. Do you know what I mean? That nice feeling when you look in the mirror and your hair’s right for the first time in your life? I don’t think we should base so much on weight, muscles and a good hair day, but when it happens, it’s nice. It really is.
Do you enjoy the holidays with your family? I don’t mean your mom and dad family, but your uncle and aunt and cousin family? Personally, I do. There are several reasons for this. First, I am very interested and fascinated by how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other.
Maybe these are my glory days, and I’m not even realizing it because they don’t involve a ball.
There is this one photograph of Sam that is just beautiful. It would be impossible to describe how beautiful it is, but I’ll try. If you listen to the song “Asleep” [by the Smiths] and you think about those pretty weather days that make you remember things, and you think about the prettiest eyes you’ve known, and you cry, and the person holds you back, then I think you will see the photograph.
There's something about that tunnel that leads to downtown. It's glorious at night. Just glorious. You start on one side of the mountain, and it's dark, and the radio is loud. As you enter the tunnel, the wind gets sucked away, and you squint from the lights overhead. When you adjust the lights, you see the other side in the distance just as the sound of the radio fades to nothing because the waves just can't reach. Then, you're in the middle of the tunnel, and everything becomes a calm dream. As you see the opening get closer, you just can't get there fast enough. And finally, just when you think you'll never get there, you see the opening right in front of you. And the radio comes back even louder than you remember it. And the wind is waiting. And you fly out of the tunnel onto the bridge. And there it is. The city.
Quoting from The Fountainhead: 'I would die for you. But I won't live for you." Something like that. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people. Maybe that's what makes people "participate".
Patrick started driving really fast, and just before we got to the tunnel, Sam stood up, and the wind turned her dress into ocean waves. When we hit the tunnel, all the sound got scooped up into a vacuum, and it was replaced by a song on the tape player. A beautiful song called "Landslide". When we got out the tunnel, Sam screamed this really fun scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing. And in that moment, I swear we were infinite
And my all time favourite: After the song finished, I said something. "I feel infinite." (NOTE: I swear to god, if I ever get a tattoo, those words will be it. I’m dead serious.) And Sam and Patrick looked at me like I said the greatest thing they ever heard. Because the song was that great and because we all really paid attention to it. Five minutes of a lifetime were truly spent, and we felt young in a good way. I have since bought the record, and I would tell you what it is, but truthfully, it's not the same unless you're driving to your first real party, and you're sitting in the middle seat of a pickup with two nice people when it starts to rain.
From one wallflower to another, Charlie, I love you.
Mood Music: “Nights in White Satin” – The Moody Blues
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