Sue Sylvester is a raging bitch. And that is exactly why I worship her.
If you haven't been watching Glee, you need to, just to hear Sue (played by the immaculate Jane Lynch) say some of the most wildly inappropriate things ever. In essence, she's like a tall, blond version of Sarah Silverman - if Sarah had a serious penchant for track suits and schadenfreude.
To give you a taste of her deliciously acerbic wit, I've compiled a list of the most offensive and classy pearls of Sue wisdom.
Sue on the the Glee's sexy take on "Push It": 'That was the most offensive thing I've seen in 20 years of teaching — and that includes an elementary school production of Hair.''
Sue on inspiring students: ''I'm all about empowerment. I empower my Cheerios to live in a state of constant fear by creating an environment of irrational, random terror.''
Sue on getting tired during cheerleading practice: ''You think this was hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they're going in another direction. That was hard.'', "You think this is hard? I'm living with Hepatitis. That's hard!" and "You think this is hard? Try being waterboarded, that's hard"
Sue - in mid-hug with her enemy, Will Scheuster: ''I am about to vomit down your back.''
Sue on babies: ''I always thought the desire to procreate showed deep personal weakness.'', ''Me, I never wanted kids — don't have the time, don't have the uterus.''
Sue on guys with wavy locks: ''I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help picturing small birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and I find it disgusting.''
Sue on the birds and the bees: "I, for one, think intimacy has no place in a marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling''
Sue threatening Will (this may be my favourite): ''...I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark, cold night, I will steal away into your house...and punch you in the face.''
Sue on body image: "All I want is just one day a year when I'm not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties."
Sue on sensitivity: "This year, I got myself a bit of an eye lift. While they were in there, I told them to go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. Wasn't using them."
Sue on the McKinley High production of Chicago: "When I heard Sandy wanted to write himself into a scene as Queen Cleopatra, I was aroused. And then furious."
Sue on recycling: "Not everybody will have the balls to take a pro-littering stance. But I will not rest until our streets are littered with garbage. That's why I pay taxes, so the garbage men can buy tacos for their family."
Sue on the homeless: "I'll often yell at homeless people: 'Hey, how is that homelessness working out for you? Try not being homeless for once.'"And that's life as Sue C's it! Do ya love it?
Mood Music: "Don't Rain On My Parade" by Lea Michele (Can't. Stop. Listening.)
